The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven’t thought of yet. ~Ann Landers
They come to you with the best of intentions. Your loved one has died, and they feel the need to convey their condolences.
The problem is this: we don’t “do” death well. We don’t talk much about it beforehand, and we when it happens, we want to be there, to be helpful, to be supportive. And usually, we mess it up.
A survey was completed a few years ago. In the first 72 hours after the death of a loved one, as many as 141 different things are said to the bereaved. Of those 141 different expressions of compassion and comfort, how many do you think are helpful?
If you have experienced the death of a loved one, you know that not many of those 141 things are helpful. You may even think that one, perhaps two, are of benefit.
Actually, of those 141 different things said to a griever in the first 3 days after a death, 19 are found to be helpful.
That means that 85% of the things we say to grievers—right after a death—are not of benefit.
Yikes.
We say things like:
“They’re in a better place.”
“At least they didn’t suffer any longer.”
“God needed them.”
(could you imagine if you were a child and your parent died, and a caring adult said that to you? What would you think? What if God needs me, too?!)
“They’re better off where they are now.”
“I know how you feel.”
“It could have been worse.”
“You have so much to be grateful for.”
Each one of these sentiments could be felt by the griever. But it’s not my place, as a friend or family member, to say any of them. They tend to bring up bad feelings rather than comfort.
Instead, how about trying one of these?
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through”
(because you can’t—even if you have lost a loved one with a similar relationship)
“Would you like to tell me what happened?”
(Sometimes the griever is so busy with the details and with trying to get over the bad things that have been said to them that they haven’t taken the opportunity to stop and go over the situation. Maybe the griever won’t want to talk now; you could suggest that, when they’re ready, you’ll be here).
Paraphrase what the griever is trying to get you to hear from his/her heart
Say nothing
(this can be SO difficult—and SO helpful for the griever)
If it’s appropriate, offer a hug
Loved ones may have difficulty knowing how to treat you or what to say. They may be afraid that they will say the wrong thing and make you feel worse than if they didn’t come to you at all…so they don’t show up. Try to give them grace, and learn from that lesson: be sure that you show up to support your loved one, even if you don’t know what to say.
Don’t worry about saying the perfect thing. Instead, focus on being a good friend and support to the griever as they struggle with the loss of their loved one.
